[REDACTED]

FUCK THIS SHIT, FUCK EVERYTHING, AND FUCK ME.

NOTE: The scores are somewhat arbitrary. They loosely convey how close the game will be/how each team will fair on each side of the ball.

I'm so happy to be about to add this disclaimer this year

DISCLAIMER: I am a huge Bears fan. While my goal is to be correct, my Bears favoritism means I know them better than any other team, which means I'm either more likely to oversell them. Or undersell them, depending on how I interpret their overall success.

Game 1: Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans
For my money, probably the best game this weekend. These division rivals split their season series 1-1 with a total score of 58-58, and one OT. But why though? Mainly because this Colts offense is best equipped to stop this Texans pass rush. With the guards and center on the Colts, Andrew Luck could easily step up in a safe pocket while feeling the breeze off the vicious swipes of JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney. With a healthy TY Hilton, Eric Ebron and stable pocket, can you bet against the Six-Million-Dollar-Man Andrew Luck? I think a Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins duo can carve up a secondary headlined by Mike Mitchell. Darius Leonard can only do so much.
Colts 24 - Texans 27

Game 2: Seattle Seahawks at Dallas Cowboys
10-6 vs. 10-6. A Cowboys defense stingy on the ground facing the best running team in the NFL. Ezekiel Elliot will have his work cut out for him too against this Seahawks front seven. This game sits on one man's shoulders: Dak Prescott. Do I trust him in this situation? I could, especially with Amari Cooper, Cole Beasley and Zeke out of the backfield. Even more so in Dallas, where this team truly shines. But you know who I trust more? Russell Wilson. I also trust this running game to not slow down yet.
Seahawks 24 - Cowboys 17

Game 3: Los Angeles Chargers at Baltimore Ravens
I almost wrote San Diego. Which makes sense, this team is underappreciated, even in their home town. Last time these teams met, Baltimore worked the Chargers. While the Chargers were the first and so far only team to slow down this Lamar Jackson offense. Unfortunately, Philip Rivers forgot that he was an MVP candidate that day and made the Ravens defense look like the '85 Bears. Could they do that again? Assuming the Chargers' Offensive Tackles don't get away with blatant false starts again, yes.
Chargers 16 - Ravens 19

Game 4: Philadelphia Eagles at Chicago Bears
BIG. DICK. NICK. Nick Foles' continued late season success with the Eagles has for the most part made him the prodigal son of Philly ahead of Carson Wentz. Can a potent Foles offense with Jeffery, Tate and Agholor upend the Monsters of the Midway? If Eddie Jackson is 100% healthy: absolutely not. If he's out/not 100%: Maybe. Depends on how well the Offensive Line holds up. My money says not really, even if Khalil Mack can be shut down by one OT like some delusional Eagles fans seem to believe. Akeim Hicks and Eddie Goldman are going to FEAST. And that Bears offense? Take a guess which NFC North QB ended the season with the highest QB rating? Hint, it's the one that finished 4th in the league.
Eagles 10 - Bears 20

Game 5: Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs
Another recent rematch for the Ravens. Will this one work out as well as the last one? Will their pass defense stop a more mobile QB like Mahomes? Can Lamar Jackson run on one of the worst run defenses in the NFL? There are a lot of different factors to consider. Here's one, this game is in Kansas City. You know exactly who this spells doom for.
Ravens 27 - Chiefs 21

Game 6: Chicago Bears at Los Angeles Rams
This rematch is by far the most intriguing so far this postseason. The #1 Defense hosted the #1 Offense in Week 14. Now we flip the script, and I think that a 15-6, 21 total points showing is not on the menu for this divisional round. I'd go so far as to say that both teams will score at least 21 points in So Cal instead of the frozen shores of Lake Michigan. So which one will ultimately win? Well, if Bears rookie guard James Daniels can help shut down Aaron Donald again, except with Kyle Long holding his own on the opposite side of the center, the Bears will have no trouble winning. But he probably won't, Cody Whitehair will need to help out. That will be enough to put a damper on the Bears' offense. Enough so to end Chicago's season? Jared Goff in a revenge game says yes. Sean McVay dials up the perfect gameplan. (Please be wrong).
Bears 23 - Rams 27

Game 7: Houston Texans at New England Patriots
It's hard to bet against the Patriots. The playoff experience between Tom Brady and Bill Belichick is unparalleled and even with a pedestrian run game, Julian Edelman and Gronk are great targets in the passing game, enough so to give the aid necessary to a passable defense. Right? Only if I can count on the Patriots tackles to stop one of the most potent 2 headed monsters in the league from turning Tom Brady's brain into soup. Only if I can count on Gronk and Edelman to get out of their slump without Josh Gordon. Only if I can believe beyond reason that DeAndre Hopkins won't catch 10 passes on this weak secondary. I can't do that though.
Texans 23 - Patriots 13

Game 8: Seattle Seahawks at New Orleans Saints
Here is the second best run defense in the league versus the best run offense, so this game should be won in the air. Unfortunately, Wilson vs. Brees isn't as easy to predict as some New Orleans Saints and Purdue Boilermakers might have you believe. In a game with very few sacks, the aerial attack shreds up the Superdome, in a back and forth matchup. Who ends up being the difference maker? Kamara and Ingram on the ground. I like the Saints' odds with those two in the backfield.
Seahawks 34 - Saints 41

Game 9: Los Angeles Rams at New Orleans Saints
I don't care about any special defense these teams might have; any matchup between Sean McVay and Sean Payton is a guaranteed shootout. Just like the matchup in the Thunderdome midway through the season, Goff and Brees are going to put on a clinic based on their strong run game. Even the constant pressure from the Rams D-Line shouldn't do that much to a Drew Brees that doesn't fold under pressure easily. I give the Rams secondary the dubious honor of being the difference maker. A mistake-free Goff just needs one takeaway. I think Aqib Talib and Marcus Peters can get just one.
Rams 49 - Saints 42

Game 10: Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans
Two great defenses, two exciting young QBs who make plays on their feet, and one close hard-nosed game. While the ground game in Houston is not as good as Baltimore's, the aerial attack for an elusive QB is a great counter to this Ravens D. Another great counter to the Ravens offense; a talented defense is not enough, you need discipline. The Texans have that with a great LB core. Texans slip past a surging Ravens offense.
Ravens 20 - Texans 28

Super Bowl: Houston Texans vs. Los Angeles Rams
I love this matchup (almost as much as Texans/Bears). A deadly Texans pass rush with a solid safety playing center field vs. a deadly efficient Rams passing game. A deadly Rams pass rush with two elite corners vs. an elusive Texans QB throwing to the best WR in the NFL. Ever since the Texans offense realized how good their offense could be, this was a matchup to die for. Who makes the difference? The winner of the Todd Gurley vs. Texans front 7 matchup. So why am I picking one guy to pick 7 people? Sean McVay certainly will help.
Texans 31 - Rams 41